Re-set

I've had a little hiatus from writing this blog, and I have been thinking... why should I start writing it again? I saw a hilarious cartoon of two dogs sitting down talking to each other, one saying, "I took up blogging for a while... Now I have gone back to meaningless loud barking into the night..." But I know that I enjoy reading people's blogs, and, I enjoy writing, so, I might just keep on barking. The blogs I enjoy most are either people writing their inner experiences, what they went through, what helped; blogs that are more like newsletters, with pictures, telling stories, just to keep us caught up; and blogs about books, as I am always looking for recommendations of good books to read. So those are the things that I will write about.

One reason why I hadn't written anything for a while is that it has been a non-stop few weeks. Dan has been away in Uganda. He went at the worst time for me, but, it wasn't his fault. He left just as the children entered the ridiculously busy last weeks of summer term: Alex is in his school play and needed an Elvis outfit, he is in two cricket leagues both trying to fit in their games before the summer break, Abby had sports day at a stadium in Cheltenham, oh I had a job interview... On one day I had a WTC (my workplace) conference, Alex's induction morning at his new school, Alex's old school summer fayre, our church Women's Evening, and both children to social events. One parent really can't do it all. How do single parents manage??? I had just stopped taking my amazing answer-to-all-my-problems tabs about two weeks before this hecticness started - maybe bad timing, but, there is always something coming up and so I just went for it.

Began to feel wound-up about coping with all these events and in some cases stresses (job interview...) Began to feel tense inside. Got very angry with our second child when he displayed grumpiness about doing a chore, so much that after shouting I rushed upstairs into the bedroom with slammed doors and heavy breathing and some crying. Woke up in the mornings with my brain ranging around for the thing to worry about. Stopped writing my gratitude list, as it seemed pointless. At church last Sunday, I went for prayer at the end and told the two people who were to pray for me, that I was worried I was reverting and that I just so want my security to be in God, and in his care for me, not in jobs and finances or in my own ability to do the things that I have to do. The lady had been at the Women's Breakfast in May when I talked a bit about anxiety and the resources I had found for dealing with it. She said to me, "Are you still writing your gratitude list that you told us about?" I told her I had kind of stopped. She urged me to get back to doing it, and she said,"It is spiritual warfare when you do that. Every time you write down something that you are thankful to God for, it drives satan away. The actual writing of the thank you's is the important thing."

Then this last week, the lady who wrote the book called One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp, wrote in her blog (aholyexperience.com) about how she had just been in a time of doubt and fear - and another blog I read, called A New Name by Emma Scrivener (mostly about anorexia and related issues - no I don't have it but I find her thoughts on self-esteem, judging yourself, redemption, and much more always helpful) at the same time talked about how she had hit a time of despair and was fighting back from it - and these two amazing women going through these dips, made me feel so hopeful - that even such insightful, Godly, able women still had to push off bad times. So my dip doesn't mean I have failed, it means, it is a battle and I am in it. And I have resources to call on. So, use them. Keep going. Fight for the joy and peace that I desire.

So I am now on "Things I Am Thankful For" number 542. And the most recent one is: Dan gets back tomorrow!!!

Joy to.... us!

As you know, I have been on a quest (oh yes, good word), for joy, and peace. I think I have been asking God for those two things, for some years. I feel as though I used to have more of them. As a student I had a reputation for laughing a lot. More than other people. If you have only got to know me since I was older you probably wouldn't even believe that. I think I thought when my thyroid was fixed, my laughing would come back - some of you might remember me talking about that. It did some, but not as much as before - but then, I had young children and a husband and a mortgage and a house that flooded and lived in a place with power cuts and heat and bad roads... and was just less carefree, I suppose. I guess partly, that is just Life.

But part of what prompted me to start writing the list of a thousand gifts, was because I had a conversation with a friend, about how Jonah could find peace even in the stomach of the fish, and so how could I stop getting buffeted and blown around emotionally by my circumstances - and her answer was, to be thankful. Soon after that I read the book One Thousand Gifts, which, among other things said, that to be thankful is the key to joy. So, I started writing my list, and I also started praying for God to place his hedge of protection around me as he had done for Job (at the very beginning of the book) - and I began to feel a difference...

I do feel more peaceful these days, and happy too. But isn't it typical how, on a morning when you are driving along to have lunch with a friend, humming carols, on holiday for the Christmas period now, actually feeling JOY-ful - on that morning, I drove past my turning on the motorway, had to drive about 20 miles out of my way, finally got back on track and followed the Google Maps directions, to find myself on a different Ducie Road - several miles from the one my friends live on, lost, hungry, annoyed, and seething. Ugh.

Now, I heard a very good thing yesterday at work from one of my friends there, who passed on a tip from her training at Hillsong. She said, If you feel overwhelmed and grumpy, it is most likely because you are either tired, or hungry. So try solving those problems first. Great tip. And once I did get to my destination, and had some lunch,  the negative feelings evaporated completely and then I kind of wished I hadn't rung Dan and had a good grumble when I was lost. (Perhaps another tip should be, when you feel overwhelmed and grumpy, don't ring someone.)

I loved the video that went along with the song, "Mary Did You Know" that I posted on here yesterday, because it showed Jesus living so joyfully. At Christmas we often seem to be reminded that Jesus was born among us, born to die. But this video reminded me so strongly that Jesus was also born to live. And he lived joyfully, it seems. Hmm. Great!

Last night at Abigail's wonderful carol service in Gloucester Cathedral, the choir sang Benjamin Britten's song (which was based on some 15th century words) "This Little Babe" - which is amazing. But the last two lines struck me the most:
"If thou wilt foil thy foes with joy,
Then flit not from this heavenly Boy!"

Another great tip for joyful living!

Eucharisteo, tatenda, sankyo, webale nyo, thank you

Since I read One Thousand Gifts and started writing a list of a thousand thank yous, I keep coming across other people mentioning or elaborating on the art of gratitude. It is always true that when you come upon something once, you hear it mentioned again three times soon after. Your ears are more open to hear it, maybe. Obviously Ann Voskamp's theme of gratitude changing everything and being the key to joy, is not a new one, although her book is amazing and does seem to have triggered a new "movement of gratitude" among many. (She was listed recently in Christianity Today as one of the fifty most influential women presently in North America.)

But the theme goes back all the way to... Jesus himself.

You can always of course go back to the ancient chorus, "Count your blessings, name them one by one..."

More personally, my friend Abby mentioned in a recent post entitled "Grateful", a quote from George Herbert:

“Thou that hast given so much to me give me one thing more, a grateful heart: not thankful when it pleaseth me, as if Thy blessings had spare days, but such a heart whose pulse may be Thy praise.”
A heart whose pulse may be Thy praise. Am I getting there?? I would love to be there.

I read in Maryjane's blog that the Women's Fellowship in Mukono recently had an evening on gratitude.

Another friend put this quote on facebook:
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."-- Melody Beattie

Then someone else whose blog I read, Simon Guillebaud, who works in Burundi, blogged recently on "Grateful to be Hungry" - explaining that he was thankful to be well enough to make a fast, which he hasn't been able to do for a while. He went on to list eleven things he is also grateful for and ended with the words, 

"Oh, the list could go on, but just writing those few ones down makes me feel even more grateful. Give it a go!"

I am on number 173 of my list, and I enjoy writing it and also looking back at what I've written. Abby and Alex keep wanting to look at it, and today Alex asked if he could make his own list!

These are a couple of the things I have listed recently: 

- SO thankful that our house in Longford narrowly escaped flooding last week - the water lapped on the other side of the road...

- Playing Scrabble tonight with Alex! (He was really good and didn't need help. Help!)

- A fun evening making chilli jam with friends

- Our warm winter duvet

- Abby and Alex having friends who invite them to fun things like football matches and the ski slope.

Well, you probably don't want to read all 173!! But, I am grateful for all the good things in our lives.....