This week I am giving a talk to a group of about-to-set-off Crosslinks mission partners, on Singles and Marrieds on the mission field, and then How to Sustain your Marriage on the mission field. I guess, they can't simply magic up the couple with the perfect marriage to call upon - they have to make do with what they've got! I mean, I am not the expert by any means. But, this is what I am going to share about, so I thought I would copy it here in case anyone is interested...
1. Is my introduction...
2. Ephesians 2:19-22 This
passage was addressed to the Christians in Ephesus who came from different
backgrounds, and in particular to Gentile and Jewish Christians – people who
would never have mixed before. The passage is all about unity. Paul uses
various images to show how we all belong together: first fellow-citizens, then
members of a household. But the main one is in
vv 20 – 22, that we are living stones being built into a living temple
or dwelling place for God.
·
What does that image imply to you
about us as individuals, or married couples?
– we are each important
-
we need to work together
-
we are not working alone, but
bolstered on every side
-
Christ is our cornerstone, he is
with us in everything we do and in our relationships
-
We have an incredible and sacred
purpose.
3. Be aware that your
missionary community will probably be a very mixed bag of people, from
different backgrounds and at different stages of life. In fact, in my
experience, missionaries are often pretty strong characters, pretty quirky,
stubborn, driven… (do you agree??)
·
So, it helps if you can remember that
you are all like a team, working together for God’s purposes and kingdom.
Intentionally see yourselves as a team. If you are not on a compound or in one
workplace, there may be other missionaries working near you in your city or
town or area – you can have the same attitude
·
As people who are being built up
together into one building, look out for each other and help each other. Bear
one another’s burdens.
·
The passage in John 13: 34,35 reminds us of Jesus famous words, that we should love one another.
Remember it is part of our witness.
4. So this is all a way of saying, that
whether you are married couples, or singles, you are part of this – you have a
role to play. And there are lots of ways singles and married couples can help
each other out and build each other up. In fact, we all need each other and
have a lot to offer each other.
5. It can happen that the singles tend to
stick together and hang out together, and the married couples keep themselves
to themselves or just spend time with other families who have similar age children. There is also the thing of :The Grass is
Always Greener… - singles can often be envious of those who are on the mission
field in families, especially if they are lonely. But equally, an
over-worked, tired out, mother of three or four, can feel very jealous of a
single missionary who is able to go off to the village for the weekend, travel
up-country for a local friend’s wedding, or spend a day off relaxing by a pool,
without being constrained by children and what they can do and tolerate. So try
to avoid jealousy of each other’s state, and instead, see how you can be
friends, allies, team-mates in the mission. You can really help each other out,
and benefit a lot from friendships with each other.
6. For example, it can be really nice for a
single person to spend time in a family. I remember it being so lovely to just
join in with a family, when I was a single. That can be a real blessing.
7. Also pretty often a family will have
invested in a vehicle whilst a single mightn’t feel a need to do that, maybe as they
can use public transport more easily – so if a family can offer a ride to
someone into town for shopping or an outing, that can be a great blessing.
7. Also singles can really help families out
with babysitting so the parents can get an evening by themselves and so on.
8. And it can be really nice for a couple to
be friends with younger people or single people and get a different perspective
on the country, and the work, from them.
10. But, married’s, don’t take advantage of
your single friends either and assume that they are there to be another pair of
hands for you. Or that they are free to house sit or pet sit at your
convenience. That can be really annoying! Singles have their own life.
MARRIEDS
Introduction
I don’t know about you, but I think marriage
is quite hard at the best of times. A marriage is like a plant, it needs
nourishing and tending, or it can just wither and fail, or get overgrown,
without anyone meaning it to.
Life on the mission field puts all kinds of
new and extra pressures onto your marriage… list them – change,
loss of usual support systems,
new church (if any),
adjustments to heat, new food, different way
of shopping,
roles changing, husband/wife might be home a
lot more than before if your office is at home (or no office) – as happened in
our case -, or might be away a lot more than before if travel is involved,
might be isolation and thrown onto each other
more than before;
husband/wife might be involved in ministry
while the partner is more at home – then one can feel envious of the other,
meeting more people, getting stuck into the work, while the other is “trapped”
with the children, no vehicle, etc etc.
If you know about your situation, I suggest
that you try to foresee what if these things might cause tension or stress for
you and discuss what you could do that might help.
I have set down a few strategies for
nourishing the plant of your marriage, and for protecting your marriage – in various
areas where stress can arise, based on my and Dan’s experiences and families around us, and hope to offer some helpful suggestions
– or if nothing else, just to highlight them so that you can think ahead and
pray ahead into them.
1. Before You Set out…
ò Try to sort out any ongoing issues (so you don’t carry the
“luggage” over there with you) – if nec, talk to a leader, pray with a third
person present
ò Decide to be intentional about your marriage
ò Pray into any issues you know about in the situation you are going
into.
2. Nourish your Marriage
ò Pray together frequently, read Bible together
ò Take time out together … (Evening once a week? A weekend every so
often? A holiday once a year. You need time to relax and talk to each other.
Especially if you are in a place where your home is open to visitors – you can
end up being with other people a lot of the time. I had to really ask Dan if we could plan in
times to go away for a break – put them in the diary ahead so I knew they were
coming up.)
ò Give each other time off (I
went to climb a mountain with 3 other mums – such a great break! Dan went on
conferences, and climbed Mt Elgon)
ò Build each other up, in public and in private (Might be that one
of you gets discouraged, make sure you are an encouragement to each other;
praising your spouse in front of others is so upbuilding for a marriage. Can be
tempting to use a conversation to make digs at your husband – but, don’t do it
– it is just undermining to your marriage and does not help, ever.)
ò Communicate all the time (don’t assume the other person knows what
you are thinking or feeling, even if it is obvious to you that you are overwhelmed)
3. Protect your Marriage
ò Boundaries (Talk about the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John
Townsend – saying we need to have boundaries – eg what times should be kept
sacred as family time, how many commitments you should take on, how long the
in-laws can come to stay for. etc etc. A person who doesn’t have boundaries
will eventually feel abused
and taken advantage of. And on the mission field, there are so may people
wanting your time money and efforts, and so many requests, and so many needs,
it is easy to get overwhelmed. Problem is, people’s boundaries do vary, and if
that is between a husband and wife, it can be difficult and cause a lot of
problems … for us, I have much narrower boundaries than Dan – he would invite
everyone over for dinner, take on more and more roles, meet with students at
supper time or Saturday morning or whenever they came to the house – and it was
too much for me. I found myself feeling resentful. So, it is
important for a married couple to talk about their boundaries, what is OK for
you both, and, you have to compromise.
You can’t just tell your spouse they are wrong about where they feel the
boundary is! If you are meeting each other part way on things, you won’t get
that resentment which is very divisive.)
ò Money matters – Of course,
all couples work differently on budgeting and so on, but as a potential flash
point for stress in your marriage, it would be really helpful if you could talk
about your budget, ie what you get each month and what are the outgoings, and
then decide together how much you can give away. Then you won’t feel it is out
of control… We also had to make a “policy” between us of who we would give to,
because we would get so many random students coming needing help with their
fees or bus fares, people we didn’t even know, and there were eight thousand
students by the time we left! So, we couldn’t help everyone who came to our
door!! So we decided to only help people we knew, and friends we knew. Unless
God really spoke to us in a random case. )
ò Forgiveness v anger (Ephesians 4:26 – do
not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.
Again, it is partly about not assuming your partner knows you are angry! Anger
is inevitable and not necessarily wrong – but, you must tell your partner and
talk it through properly – ie both of you put your point of view and listen to
each other. Bottling anger up is the worst thing you can do. Talk about it, then
make a decision about what to do, together. If you can’t agree, leave it for
then and try again the next day. The essential other side of the coin is
forgiveness. You will have to forgive each other, often. Needs a lot of grace.
ò Purity (It is sadly
the case that missionaries do mess up their marriages, they, you, are not
immune. That is probably the biggest thing to realize. Especially when you might be in stressful, or isolated, situations. This
is why it is so important to nourish and protect your marriage as we have been
talking about – because, if it is already going badly, and then a kind,
understanding, helpful, younger, fun, less worn-out young man or woman comes
along, a person can be drawn to that, and even fall for that person. So,
beware, work on your marriage to keep it alive and well, and avoid situations
or even particular friendships that seem
to have potential for sin. Avoid flirting!!! It may seem harmless, but it can
be very damaging. Having a person you are
accountable to can really help. Both Dan and I had prayer partners we met with
once a week if possible – so that person would know everything you were doing
and going through, and could challenge you
- this really helps.
4. Books:
Boundaries
The Mystery of Marriage by
Mike Mason - the best marriage book I have ever read.
