Quiet

Seems like a relevant name for this post, since I haven't written on this blog for a couple of months...

Also, I recently read the book called "Quiet" by Susan Cain, given to me by an introvert friend. An affirming must-read for introverts everywhere... I must be right on the borderline of introvert/extrovert. I usually come out in the tests as an extrovert, but after living in several African countries where community rules, and especially living on the university campus in Uganda where the community lives in and out of your house, I came to feel more and more like an introvert. Being married to a man who is adamant that he is an introvert and yet who wants to have people around All The Time adds to my need in latter years to fight for quiet time. I am told that we don't change, we are what we are on these things, but I think stage of life, and circumstances that impinge on our lives, do make a difference. This weekend I am being a total introvert, after two fun weeks of non-stop company.

Anyway, the chapter of this book which I most related to was the one on public speaking. Here is a quote:

It's 2:00 am, I can't sleep, and I want to die.

I'm not normally the suicidal type, but this is the night before a big speech, and my mind races with horrifying what-if propositions. What if my mouth dries up and I can't get any words out? What if I bore the audience? What if I throw up on stage?

...Ken watches me toss and turn. He's bewildered by my distress. A former UN peacekeeper, hence was ambushed in Somalia, yet I don't think he felt as scared then as I do now. 

"Try to think of happy things," he says, caressing my forehead.

I stare at the ceiling, tears welling. What happy things? Who could be happy in a world of podiums and microphones?

"There are a billion people in China who don't give a rat's ass about your speech," Ken offers sympathetically.

This helps, for about five seconds. I fur over and watch the alarm clock. Finally it's six thirty. AT least the worst part, the night-before part, is over; this time tomorrow, I'll be free. But first I have to get through today. I dress grimly and put on a coat...

I take the elevator downstairs and settle into the car that waits to take me to my destination, a big corporate headquarters in suburban New Jersey. The drive gives me plenty of time to wonder how I allowed myself to get into this situation... I find myself praying for a calamity, - a flood, or a small earthquake maybe - anything so I don't have to go through with this. Then I feel guilty for involving the rest of the city in my drama...

Her last comments are: "I vow , right then and there, that I will never make another speech."

This passage tickled me because it describes so well how I feel when I am about to do some public speaking. It's like she is me! And Dan is definitely Ken. Not when I am teaching - I get a bit nervous, but not like this. But doing a speech or a sermon...

I do normally vow at some point that I will never agree to do this again. But then when I finish, I realise it was OK...

The author puts this fear of public speaking down to introversion, and her advice is, to choose to speak about topics you are utterly passionate about, to remember what you want the audience to receive, and to get plenty of experience. She herself speaks often and says she is not as nervous now as she used to be.

My experience too is that when I speak more often, the nervousness is less. For me, the only thing that helps is talking to God. I tell him, "You got me into this, you have to get me out of it. I can't do this without your help. I just can't." And then I do get a sense of his presence and that I can trust him. But sometimes after a short while the nerves well up again. So I talk to God again. I guess it is good for my communication with God!

I enjoyed the book, Quiet, but I always find with this kind of book that when it comes to the part about what you can do to help, there is a huge assumption that you have all the power over your own life. e.g. "Choose a school where your child will have this kind of teacher, this size class, etc etc" "Choose a job where you will have your own office, or a lunch hour off," and so on. In my life, I feel as though I never have those choices. You get the job you can get! You normally don't get to choose between four different ones on offer. (Although obviously you wouldn't apply for one that was going to be toxic for you.)

Also, as a Christian, my life isn't my own, to make as good for me as it can be. I believe God wanted me to live on a campus and in a communal society for years. I guess the value for me of a book like this is that it shows me why I react the ways I do, and that there are various things that could be done - but then I have to weigh that up before God, and ask for wisdom in how I make choices and live my life.

My take on Jephthah - and Dan on hell...

https://www.standrewschurchdown.org.uk/media/talks

This is the link to a talk I gave on Jephthah last week, as part of our church's series on the book of Judges.

It is about twenty minutes long, and the reading comes first.

If you look up the site, and go to the previous page, you will find Dan's sermon on Hell. We are beginning to wise up to Jonathan's scheme... well, he freely admitted he gives Dan the hard topics!

If you are looking for sermons to listen to, our regular preachers at St Andrews are always brilliant, Jonathan and Clodagh.

Twenty Years On (well, nearly)

On Saturday we made a two and a half hour trek back to All Nations Christian College - where Dan and I met in January 1996. Some of our fellow-students had organised a reunion for students who were there between 1994 and 1996.

All Nations is "the other" missionary training college in England (Redcliffe being the other "other".) I went there after two years in Zambia, to do an MA in Missiology. Dan came over for one term as a sort of semester abroad, whilst he was studying at CIU in South Carolina. 

At first on Saturday as I walked into the buzzing hall I felt detached, then overwhelmed as individuals loomed out of the crowd and back into my consciousness - names had to be checked on name-badges - adjustments made for aging, and huge great teenage kids beside now-mums-and-dads - but once those barriers had been crossed, it was amazing. 

The men had changed more than the women. Men actually change shape as they age - their necks and jaws widen, and their hairline changes (some more than others). Women simply fill out a little bit, maybe go grey, but usually cover that up, and generally get more beautiful. We all had changed since 1996 - we all had wrinkles and weight which we did not have back then, and we all had a burden of experiences, both great ones and hard ones. One lovely thing was that several of the tutors were there, all having left the college in the intervening years -so it was really touching and fun that they came as well. Our principal of that time, Chris Wright, and his wife Lizzie were there, seeming exactly the same, and Chris gave us a great and relevant talk from Deuteronomy (a book he taught a much-loved course on whilst we were there as students.) 

We had about two hours of sharing our stories and showing a few slides. It was uplifting and, honestly, exciting to hear of all the work that has been done, in countries across the globe, by the All Nations class of 1994. Most of us had been overseas for almost all the years since then, and a few are still working abroad, and happened to be home on leave so were able to come. Just a few have mainly been in Christian work in this country rather than overseas. Sadly four of our number had died, three to illness, but one, Dave Roberts had been murdered as he was intervening in a robbery. We remembered them and prayed for their families.

It felt so normal to be together again once the initial strangeness had thawed. It felt wonderful to see the teenage kids playing together - like a family reunion. It was gratifying and I felt proud (in a good way I think) of all the years of kingdom work that have been done since we were students together in 1996. And grateful to God for all these dedicated, kind, fun people. 

I also felt greatly encouraged in our work at Redcliffe, which is so similar - that our students will likewise be going on to dedicate their lives to God's work in various forms, and that in twenty years time they might get together and reminisce, and be glad. 

Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

 I have just finished reading this latest book from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, and have really loved it. Adichie is firmly one of my favourite authors. This is a huge book but I lapped it up, sneaking half hours to read it when I should have been doing other things...

It tells the story of two Nigerians, girl- and boyfriend at school, callled Ifemelu and Obinze, who both travel to the west as adults to find the "better life" they have dreamed and talked about as students.  Ifemelu gets a scholarship to the US, and Obinze finds work as an illegal immigrant in the UK. The book is partly their love story, but more about their experiences as immigrants, their relationships, how it is to be black (which wasn't an issue back home) and eventually how they return to Nigeria and pick up new lives there.

Ifemelu takes to blogging about her experiences as a "Non-American Black" and the sections on her blogging are brilliant, including some of her posts and readers' reactions.

For me the parts I read most avidly were the transitions, both how Ifemelu arrived in the US, and then how she felt about returning home after fifteen years abroad. I was surprised how completely I related to the descriptions of her initial reactions to the west. Her shock that it was not all as clean, wealthy, and beautiful as she had come to believe. Her feelings of confusion about everything. Her disappointment with the fruit and vegetables.

This is such a rich book, revealing about what it is to be an ex-pat, and a returnee, a woman, a friend, a desperate job-seeker, a lover, a writer. I highly recommend it.

Beauty out of rubble

The story of Coventry is well-known, but our recent visit there was another step forward for me in my recent quest to understand the cross more fully, and in my thinking about how God deals with human evil. 

Coventry was bombed on the night of 14th November 1940. Two-thirds of the city was burned down in the one night - by incendiary bombs dropped by German planes. The medieval cathedral was ruined. But when the cathedral's provost viewed the destruction the following morning, his words were: "Father, forgive" : not "forgive them" - he said "forgive" - in the knowledge that in this war, untold damage had been done on all sides: German cities had been wiped out too. All humanity needs forgiving.  His decision was to preserve the ruin as a memorial, and to build a whole new cathedral to be a symbol and a place of reconciliation.

In the rubble, medieval nails were found lying, fallen from the burned roof timbers. Someone fashioned three nails into a cross, and the "cross of nails" became a symbol of peace and reconciliation. One was sent to Berlin to a church which was also bombed to pieces at that time.

The cathedral stonemason noticed that two of the charred roof timbers had fallen down in the shape of a cross. He took them and nailed them together in that formation, and set them up in the ruins, as a symbol of hope and forgiveness. Once the rubble was cleared, the charred cross was set up on an altar in the old cathedral ruins, with the words "Father, forgive" enscribed on it.

The new cathedral was finished in 1962. It is an amazingly modern, light-filled building. The cathedral has an on-going and active ministry of reconciliation. Sitting right next to the remains of the old cathedral, it is a powerful sign of hope and new life. The whole place has an amazingly peaceful, calm atmosphere, pouring balm on your soul as you wander about.

To me, the message was that although God does not prevent terrible events such as the Blitz, although mankind does wanton harm to one another, although beautiful things are destroyed and lives pointlessly taken, although we cannot explain how human beings can be so stupid, so destructive and so evil - in spite of all of that, God is there in the midst, and he shines a light of hope right into the destruction - his cross falls into the rubble as a sure sign that he has ultimately overcome all of this - there will be new life, there is always hope, there will be redemption. If we can take part in the reconciliation and offer the comfort to others, and freely forgive, we can be part of the good, not part of the evil.

So I found another piece to put into the puzzle, of the meaning of the cross.





This is a tiny replica of the cross of nails, which you can buy in the gift shop.
This cross I like.

Technology and mission

This Thursday a guest lecturer, Mike Frith, came in to speak to the Thrive class about "The impact of technology on mission."

Technology has changed mission so much, from my own experience, in the twenty two years since I first went out as a short-termer. For one thing, then when I went as a 25yr old to a very rural corner of Zambia, there was no email, and we had only landline phones - except that the copper lines were regularly dug up and stolen, so in fact, we rarely had the use of the phone. Communication with family back in England was via letters, which took three weeks to arrive. The post office was a tiny concrete block hut with peeling blue paint. I used to drive there about once a week on my trailbike and collect two huge bagfuls of mail for the whole mission station, hoping that a few things would be for me. I remember the day when an American missio arrived with a laptop, and opened it up beside the swimming pool, and asked me if I wanted to send an "E-mail." 

The other side of the coin was that when I left Zambia after two years there, I didn't expect to ever see or hear from most people there again. (I was so lucky to be able to make a visit back there though, when we later lived in Zimbabwe - which was amazing.) I exchanged hand-written letters with a few people, which eventually dropped off. But now, after working in Zimbabwe for five years and then Uganda for eight, I have facebook friends from all three African countries, I message with some former students frequently on facebook, I hear from them by email - my connection has continued to grow with more and more people. It's really a joy. But, it could get out of hand!

Mike raised with the students how the growth of communication in particular has both huge benefits for mission, but also contains pitfalls. Security can be an issue, privacy of course, as well as cross-cultural issues - for example, if I never wore shorts during my eighteen years in Africa, out of respect for cultural norms there, now could I have a photo of me in shorts on my facebook page? What if a friend tags me in a photo so it appears even though I would not have put it up there myself? The good thing is, I never wear shorts! (thunderthighs...) But, what about with a good old G and T in my hand? Which I do partake of sometimes...

Mike raised a lot of other issues, including our growing use of screen to screen communication in place of face to face interaction. From my experience in African countries, people so much prefer face to face connection that they travel huge distances for meetings, and phone or email does not replace that adequately. In fact, you wouldn't necessarily take much notice of what anyone says on the phone - face to face is the thing. But that value might change, with everyone everywhere using email more and more. But wouldn't we all agree that "real" interaction is better than virtual? Jesus came down to live amongst us - doesn't that hold a great deal of meaning for us?

Mike ended with two great questions: 

1. What is behind the human need for more information and knowledge? Is it ultimately to know the divine or to replace Him (become omniscient ourselves)? How do you think those who don’t believe in God view this?

2. What is behind the need for humans to be more connected? Is it ultimately to connect with the divine or to connect to the whole world without needing Him (become omnipresent ourselves)? How do you think those who don’t believe in God view this?

 I think there is so much in those questions. Any thoughts...?! 

More about Jesus' death... still thinking...

After posting a few days ago on the Beautiful Gospel, under the heading "Why did Jesus die?" I thought I should say something more...

Because I feel as though the explanation of Jesus dying on the cross I gave, is true but it is once again not all of the truth.

Christianity is a mystery, it is not easily explained. And we have tended as humans to want simple, clear, step by step explanations - largely especially in western Christianity because we like things clear and logical.

So when I read through my last post, it seemed that I had done away with a belief in the idea that Jesus sacrificed himself for my sins (known as the penal substitution doctrine.) But, there is a lot in the Bible about the idea of Jesus being the sacrificial lamb, whose death paid the price for our sins. I do not believe we can actually write that out of the explanation. But that aspect is the one that western conservative Christianity has focussed on: the metaphor of God as judge but sending his Son Jesus to take the punishment for us. And I think that Brad Jersak, and many many others, have wanted to show that this is not the only way of seeing the cross, this is not the only truth - although it is true. But by emphasising this metaphor, we may have ended up showing God as an angry judge/headmaster, requiring appeasement, sending his own son to pay the penalty on our behalf - and not giving enough weight to the other sides of the story, such as God's love.

There are various different facets of Jesus' death and resurrection in the Bible, and I think they all partly explain what happened there on the first Good Friday. I don't have time nor probably the ability to do justice to this. But I wanted to point out that there are lots of ways of viewing the cross.

For example, John in his gospel compares Jesus being lifted up on the cross, to the bronze serpent which was set up on a pole in the wilderness for the sake of the Israelites, who were being bitten by poisonous snakes and dying. God told Moses to make a bronze serpent on a pole, so the Israelites could go and look at it when they got bitten, and be cured of the snakebite and not die. John says that Jesus was to be lifted up like the bronze serpent. In other words, we look to him on the cross for healing, and for life - not in this case for absolution.

Also, Jesus is likened to the Passover Lamb - well in that case, the Israelites did not kill the lamb to pay a substitutionary penalty for sins (that was a different sacrifice altogether) - but at the first Passover, it was so that they could paint the blood on their doorposts as a sign - so that the angel of death would not enter their houses but pass over them. So if Jesus is the Passover Lamb, it means he dies so that we, as believers, can be protected/saved from death - again, as a way to life.

When Jesus died, the veil in the Temple was torn in two. This symbolises that the barrier between God and human beings was ripped apart through Jesus' death - so that we can now have direct access to God in prayer, and know his presence, and as it says in Hebrews, approach his throne unafraid. So here Jesus' body being broken, is shown to mean that he opened the way for us to God.

Dan is good at putting things into diagrams to help him figure them out. After reading my last blog post, he showed me this diagram he had come up with:



Father...................Son                                                                                

           JUSTICE                                                                            

Words like sacrifice, substitution,                                                                         
propitiation, expiation        

Christ......................Satan

                                                                                                                                     VICTORY

Words  like defeat over demons, spiritual powers,

                                                                                                   crushing the serpent's head, defeat of evil etc.



                                                         

    

                                                           Jesus.............................Me
                                                                             LOVE

   Words about restoring me to God, reconciliation, 

giving me eternal life

So there are many ways of looking at the cross. Whilst I would wish that we didn't have a crucifixion at the heart of our faith... I am at the same time grateful for it - how could I not be. Thankfully, it was a death followed by a resurrection! Jesus didn't end up dead, but alive. So we don't have to stay grieving, we can look on to the empty tomb and the resurrection appearances, and to how Jesus speaks to us today in our hearts. Thank goodness for that!