Re-set

I've had a little hiatus from writing this blog, and I have been thinking... why should I start writing it again? I saw a hilarious cartoon of two dogs sitting down talking to each other, one saying, "I took up blogging for a while... Now I have gone back to meaningless loud barking into the night..." But I know that I enjoy reading people's blogs, and, I enjoy writing, so, I might just keep on barking. The blogs I enjoy most are either people writing their inner experiences, what they went through, what helped; blogs that are more like newsletters, with pictures, telling stories, just to keep us caught up; and blogs about books, as I am always looking for recommendations of good books to read. So those are the things that I will write about.

One reason why I hadn't written anything for a while is that it has been a non-stop few weeks. Dan has been away in Uganda. He went at the worst time for me, but, it wasn't his fault. He left just as the children entered the ridiculously busy last weeks of summer term: Alex is in his school play and needed an Elvis outfit, he is in two cricket leagues both trying to fit in their games before the summer break, Abby had sports day at a stadium in Cheltenham, oh I had a job interview... On one day I had a WTC (my workplace) conference, Alex's induction morning at his new school, Alex's old school summer fayre, our church Women's Evening, and both children to social events. One parent really can't do it all. How do single parents manage??? I had just stopped taking my amazing answer-to-all-my-problems tabs about two weeks before this hecticness started - maybe bad timing, but, there is always something coming up and so I just went for it.

Began to feel wound-up about coping with all these events and in some cases stresses (job interview...) Began to feel tense inside. Got very angry with our second child when he displayed grumpiness about doing a chore, so much that after shouting I rushed upstairs into the bedroom with slammed doors and heavy breathing and some crying. Woke up in the mornings with my brain ranging around for the thing to worry about. Stopped writing my gratitude list, as it seemed pointless. At church last Sunday, I went for prayer at the end and told the two people who were to pray for me, that I was worried I was reverting and that I just so want my security to be in God, and in his care for me, not in jobs and finances or in my own ability to do the things that I have to do. The lady had been at the Women's Breakfast in May when I talked a bit about anxiety and the resources I had found for dealing with it. She said to me, "Are you still writing your gratitude list that you told us about?" I told her I had kind of stopped. She urged me to get back to doing it, and she said,"It is spiritual warfare when you do that. Every time you write down something that you are thankful to God for, it drives satan away. The actual writing of the thank you's is the important thing."

Then this last week, the lady who wrote the book called One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp, wrote in her blog (aholyexperience.com) about how she had just been in a time of doubt and fear - and another blog I read, called A New Name by Emma Scrivener (mostly about anorexia and related issues - no I don't have it but I find her thoughts on self-esteem, judging yourself, redemption, and much more always helpful) at the same time talked about how she had hit a time of despair and was fighting back from it - and these two amazing women going through these dips, made me feel so hopeful - that even such insightful, Godly, able women still had to push off bad times. So my dip doesn't mean I have failed, it means, it is a battle and I am in it. And I have resources to call on. So, use them. Keep going. Fight for the joy and peace that I desire.

So I am now on "Things I Am Thankful For" number 542. And the most recent one is: Dan gets back tomorrow!!!

Do I Look Like a Morning Person?

This was written on a mug I was given a cup of tea in today and it made me laugh. I am not...

Finding it hard to get up in the mornings, has plagued me all my life, whether I go to bed early or late, whether the day ahead is going to be fun or not - it is just a thing I have.

But in the days when I am also feeling low, there is an added emotional or psychological component. I loved Ann Voskamp on this, because, even though she is amazingly spiritual and able to encourage others, she writes honestly about still feeling depressed sometimes (at least, when she was writing the book), and about the daily struggle of having to push back the wave of darkness every single morning before you can even get out of bed.

I have that sometimes. I wake up, and as well as feeling fuzzy and groggy and leaden-limbed, there is also a layer of dark cloud that wants to stay over me in the same way my duvet does. Even if the day ahead holds fun things and people, not to mention my own husband and children, (and dog!), there is a creeping little sadness that lurks beyond, wanting to slide over it all.

It requires a great mental effort to shrug that off, to reject it, and to wake up to the day.

So a short while ago, I prayed that God would give me something to help me first thing in the morning.

And Bible verses have been coming to me, some of them ones I haven't read for ages and ages.

First one was: "He is my strength and my shield." This was just what I needed! Strength to get up and get going, and a shield to guard me from whatever the day might throw at me. It was perfect.

Another one was a Stuart Townend song from the concert we went to: Everlasting Love

Another one was: "In all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." More than conquerors. That was a promise and encouragement that helped me through that busy day.

There are probably loads more in there, in the armoury - these ones have helped me already.

Teaching again!

Today I went back to teaching! I have joined the part-time Redcliffe College staff, teaching a course called Thrive!, - which aims to prepare students for working and living cross-culturally. It's a very practical course with lots of room for telling stories and sharing experiences, role plays etc. Missio friends, don't worry, I shall use false names!!

I was needless to say really nervous, waking up early yesterday and today with my stomach full of butterflies. I was afraid about that and a bit discouraged, thinking it meant I haven't got over the whole anxiety thing... but I have always, my whole life, got nervous before teaching or speaking, and always once I am up in front talking and communicating, I am completely fine. So I told myself this was normal nerves, not abnormal ones... Dan reminded me that teaching this course is about the students, not about me. Putting it in that proper perspective really helped too. My job is to help equip them, not to "be a great teacher". Anyway, I can now relate to something I read, that when anxiety has become problematic, half the battle can be being anxious about being anxious. I get that.

My class is delightful, about twenty students, and I loved it. It reminded me that I do enjoy teaching, and I can do it! What a relief!

As part of the introduction to the course I used the following handout based on the word THRIVE, which was made up by the person who originally taught the course at Redcliffe. I don't know who. So it is not my own - but I thought some of you might like it and relate to it.

T - To be, not just to do...

H - Hold on to your calling

R - Reasonable expectations - of yourself, of the culture you are going to, of what you will do, - and making sure your supporters have reasonable expectations too

I - I need to look after myself

V - Vulnerability - not to fall into the trap of saying "I'm OK" when you need help/encouragement

E - Elasticity - being flexible - in every way probably.


... Six things to help you thrive on the mission field.

The man who fell to earth and me

Today Felix Baumgartner jumped out of a capsule, 24 miles above the earth, right at the edge of space. He free fell and then parachuted down to earth, taking ten minutes. There were apparently many ways he could have died attempting this... (?!) He was breaking a fifty year old record by jumping from this height down to earth.

NOTHING could induce me to be remotely interested in doing anything anywhere close to this. Nothing could induce me to do a bunjee jump. I wouldn't even really want to jump off the high board at the swimming pool come to that.

However, if I think the thing is worth it, I will do it even if it scares me. Like, preaching to 800 Ugandan students and staff at community worship. I was scared stiff then. And like, moving to rural Zambia for two years, not really having a clue what it would be like. So maybe I shouldn't paint myself a coward. I just don't want to waste my fear on unnecessary pastimes, like, jumping off high places...! I have plenty of things to be afraid of without looking for novel ways to try out that feeling...

When we were still living in Uganda and thinking ahead to moving back to England, I felt sick with fear about some aspects of the move. I was really scared of leaving Crosslinks, my employer and support and safety net for fourteen years - mainly because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get a job and therefore an income. I was nervous about how financially we would get through the nine months before Dan's job at Redcliffe started. I was scared about what schools we would get the children into, and so scared of them ending up in oversubscribed sink schools with bad behaviour and poor results. I was also worried about what house we would find to live in. I was a bit scared that Dan would hate living in England and resent me for it. So, just a few small things like that.

But, I wanted to move back to England, and Dan and I both felt that the time was right. I read and reread a Bible passage from Ephesians Ch 3:14-21 especially the verse which says, "I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fulness of God." I kept telling myself that if I really knew how much God loves me, then, why would I be afraid about anything?

But I still grew more and more nervous as the move approached.

Before going to England we visited the US for some time. One day in July, we were in the Boundary Waters in northern Minnesota, canoeing and camping with Dan's parents. Right after that holiday, I was booked to fly to England, ahead of Dan and the children, to begin setting up home there. I was tight with nerves on the last couple of days. But on the day we were due to leave the Boundary Waters, I was sitting on a rock at the edge of our campsite, overlooking the lake, praying, and soaking in the beautiful scenery all around. Suddenly I noticed a bald eagle, sitting majestic on a high pine tree, surveying the outlook, from one side to the other. He looked out and down over the whole scene, and had probably been aware of me there the whole time. It struck me that the eagle was like God, watching out for us, overseeing us, all the time, while we are mainly unaware that he is even there.

That picture of the bald eagle, king of the wilderness, stayed with me and was a comfort for quite a while. But I lived on my nerves for months until it built up too much and my body rebelled.

So I am in the process of trying to tackle this problem, anxiety. Why would a Christian who has believed in God for forty five years and who has seen God provide for her and give her a fantastic life and a wonderful family, who is in good physical health, who has friends and hobbies, why would this person suffer from anxiety? I think in the case of our move back to England, there was a lot to be anxious about, but still...

For now, I am definitely coming out of the other end of the tunnel. Practically speaking, the last piece of the scary puzzle was put in place last week - when Alex took his grammar school entrance test and got a good  high pass mark, so that he is guaranteed a grammar school place for next year. Such good news! So  - for now - there is nothing left to be afraid about (apart from global warming).

But I feel I am beginning to move in the right direction in any case - I wasn't even all that nervous about Alex's test, which I took as an encouraging sign. I have had some really good conversations with various different helpful people, which I might write about another time. The list of One Thousand Gifts (I've got to 69...!) and the lessons about thankfulness are a big help. I do think and pray and hope that I am making progress.

Calm in the Storm

Cedrico Fernandez 

What happened to Jonah in the Bible story is well-known... told to go to the enemy city Ninevah, ran in the opposite direction, jumped in a boat, storm blew up, got thrown overboard, got swallowed by a huge fish, prayed, was vomited up on the shore, preached to Ninevah, they repented, he got cross, his shade tree wilted, story ends. All very curious.

But through this weird, wild story, there is so much to learn from Jonah. He is very human and just like us, although crazy supernatural things happen to him. His actions and reactions at each point are so understandable. But, I only just noticed something about Jonah's prayer from inside the fish, in chapter two.

In his prayer he describes how he was sinking down, into the depths and the darkness, the seaweed was wrapping around his head, he was dying, but then, God heard his cries and saved him. Now he is thanking God, offering him praise and promising sacrifices, and testifying that "Salvation comes from God." He is overwhelmed by God's grace, and says, "Those who chase after worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs."

But, duh, he is still inside the fish. His situation has changed, he is no longer sucking in seawater and sinking to the bottom of the ocean, but he is now stuck inside a fish's stomach, being digested, slowly but surely.

When praying this joyful-sounding prayer, did he understand that the fish was God's way of saving him, and that the fish was going to carry him to dry land? I doubt it. I think rather that Jonah had just come to realise that God is sovereign, the giver of all things, the giver of boats and storms, companions, fish, tasks to be done, and above all, the giver of grace. And that this powerful God has done incredible things for him, and that this is so amazing, as he is just a disobedient failing human being. And that we can wonder at God and praise him for his goodness and grace, even from the heart of a storm, from deep under the sea, from the stinking slimy inside of a fish, from the slough of despond.

I would love to be at the point Jonah reached, of being able to rejoice in having a relationship with the God of grace, even when storms and winding seaweed abound. To have peace and calm and happiness, in the storm. 

I feel that by now, after living the Christian life for some forty years, I should be that joyful peaceful calm person, but...um... All I can say is, I hope I am getting there. The transition we are going through has felt like a storm, and now that the wind and waves are abating, I hope that having seen God giving us everything, leading us and keeping us safe and provided for, I am better equipped to meet a future one. I hope and pray.

William Turner 1842