Quiet

Seems like a relevant name for this post, since I haven't written on this blog for a couple of months...

Also, I recently read the book called "Quiet" by Susan Cain, given to me by an introvert friend. An affirming must-read for introverts everywhere... I must be right on the borderline of introvert/extrovert. I usually come out in the tests as an extrovert, but after living in several African countries where community rules, and especially living on the university campus in Uganda where the community lives in and out of your house, I came to feel more and more like an introvert. Being married to a man who is adamant that he is an introvert and yet who wants to have people around All The Time adds to my need in latter years to fight for quiet time. I am told that we don't change, we are what we are on these things, but I think stage of life, and circumstances that impinge on our lives, do make a difference. This weekend I am being a total introvert, after two fun weeks of non-stop company.

Anyway, the chapter of this book which I most related to was the one on public speaking. Here is a quote:

It's 2:00 am, I can't sleep, and I want to die.

I'm not normally the suicidal type, but this is the night before a big speech, and my mind races with horrifying what-if propositions. What if my mouth dries up and I can't get any words out? What if I bore the audience? What if I throw up on stage?

...Ken watches me toss and turn. He's bewildered by my distress. A former UN peacekeeper, hence was ambushed in Somalia, yet I don't think he felt as scared then as I do now. 

"Try to think of happy things," he says, caressing my forehead.

I stare at the ceiling, tears welling. What happy things? Who could be happy in a world of podiums and microphones?

"There are a billion people in China who don't give a rat's ass about your speech," Ken offers sympathetically.

This helps, for about five seconds. I fur over and watch the alarm clock. Finally it's six thirty. AT least the worst part, the night-before part, is over; this time tomorrow, I'll be free. But first I have to get through today. I dress grimly and put on a coat...

I take the elevator downstairs and settle into the car that waits to take me to my destination, a big corporate headquarters in suburban New Jersey. The drive gives me plenty of time to wonder how I allowed myself to get into this situation... I find myself praying for a calamity, - a flood, or a small earthquake maybe - anything so I don't have to go through with this. Then I feel guilty for involving the rest of the city in my drama...

Her last comments are: "I vow , right then and there, that I will never make another speech."

This passage tickled me because it describes so well how I feel when I am about to do some public speaking. It's like she is me! And Dan is definitely Ken. Not when I am teaching - I get a bit nervous, but not like this. But doing a speech or a sermon...

I do normally vow at some point that I will never agree to do this again. But then when I finish, I realise it was OK...

The author puts this fear of public speaking down to introversion, and her advice is, to choose to speak about topics you are utterly passionate about, to remember what you want the audience to receive, and to get plenty of experience. She herself speaks often and says she is not as nervous now as she used to be.

My experience too is that when I speak more often, the nervousness is less. For me, the only thing that helps is talking to God. I tell him, "You got me into this, you have to get me out of it. I can't do this without your help. I just can't." And then I do get a sense of his presence and that I can trust him. But sometimes after a short while the nerves well up again. So I talk to God again. I guess it is good for my communication with God!

I enjoyed the book, Quiet, but I always find with this kind of book that when it comes to the part about what you can do to help, there is a huge assumption that you have all the power over your own life. e.g. "Choose a school where your child will have this kind of teacher, this size class, etc etc" "Choose a job where you will have your own office, or a lunch hour off," and so on. In my life, I feel as though I never have those choices. You get the job you can get! You normally don't get to choose between four different ones on offer. (Although obviously you wouldn't apply for one that was going to be toxic for you.)

Also, as a Christian, my life isn't my own, to make as good for me as it can be. I believe God wanted me to live on a campus and in a communal society for years. I guess the value for me of a book like this is that it shows me why I react the ways I do, and that there are various things that could be done - but then I have to weigh that up before God, and ask for wisdom in how I make choices and live my life.