Re-set

I've had a little hiatus from writing this blog, and I have been thinking... why should I start writing it again? I saw a hilarious cartoon of two dogs sitting down talking to each other, one saying, "I took up blogging for a while... Now I have gone back to meaningless loud barking into the night..." But I know that I enjoy reading people's blogs, and, I enjoy writing, so, I might just keep on barking. The blogs I enjoy most are either people writing their inner experiences, what they went through, what helped; blogs that are more like newsletters, with pictures, telling stories, just to keep us caught up; and blogs about books, as I am always looking for recommendations of good books to read. So those are the things that I will write about.

One reason why I hadn't written anything for a while is that it has been a non-stop few weeks. Dan has been away in Uganda. He went at the worst time for me, but, it wasn't his fault. He left just as the children entered the ridiculously busy last weeks of summer term: Alex is in his school play and needed an Elvis outfit, he is in two cricket leagues both trying to fit in their games before the summer break, Abby had sports day at a stadium in Cheltenham, oh I had a job interview... On one day I had a WTC (my workplace) conference, Alex's induction morning at his new school, Alex's old school summer fayre, our church Women's Evening, and both children to social events. One parent really can't do it all. How do single parents manage??? I had just stopped taking my amazing answer-to-all-my-problems tabs about two weeks before this hecticness started - maybe bad timing, but, there is always something coming up and so I just went for it.

Began to feel wound-up about coping with all these events and in some cases stresses (job interview...) Began to feel tense inside. Got very angry with our second child when he displayed grumpiness about doing a chore, so much that after shouting I rushed upstairs into the bedroom with slammed doors and heavy breathing and some crying. Woke up in the mornings with my brain ranging around for the thing to worry about. Stopped writing my gratitude list, as it seemed pointless. At church last Sunday, I went for prayer at the end and told the two people who were to pray for me, that I was worried I was reverting and that I just so want my security to be in God, and in his care for me, not in jobs and finances or in my own ability to do the things that I have to do. The lady had been at the Women's Breakfast in May when I talked a bit about anxiety and the resources I had found for dealing with it. She said to me, "Are you still writing your gratitude list that you told us about?" I told her I had kind of stopped. She urged me to get back to doing it, and she said,"It is spiritual warfare when you do that. Every time you write down something that you are thankful to God for, it drives satan away. The actual writing of the thank you's is the important thing."

Then this last week, the lady who wrote the book called One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp, wrote in her blog (aholyexperience.com) about how she had just been in a time of doubt and fear - and another blog I read, called A New Name by Emma Scrivener (mostly about anorexia and related issues - no I don't have it but I find her thoughts on self-esteem, judging yourself, redemption, and much more always helpful) at the same time talked about how she had hit a time of despair and was fighting back from it - and these two amazing women going through these dips, made me feel so hopeful - that even such insightful, Godly, able women still had to push off bad times. So my dip doesn't mean I have failed, it means, it is a battle and I am in it. And I have resources to call on. So, use them. Keep going. Fight for the joy and peace that I desire.

So I am now on "Things I Am Thankful For" number 542. And the most recent one is: Dan gets back tomorrow!!!

Do I Look Like a Morning Person?

This was written on a mug I was given a cup of tea in today and it made me laugh. I am not...

Finding it hard to get up in the mornings, has plagued me all my life, whether I go to bed early or late, whether the day ahead is going to be fun or not - it is just a thing I have.

But in the days when I am also feeling low, there is an added emotional or psychological component. I loved Ann Voskamp on this, because, even though she is amazingly spiritual and able to encourage others, she writes honestly about still feeling depressed sometimes (at least, when she was writing the book), and about the daily struggle of having to push back the wave of darkness every single morning before you can even get out of bed.

I have that sometimes. I wake up, and as well as feeling fuzzy and groggy and leaden-limbed, there is also a layer of dark cloud that wants to stay over me in the same way my duvet does. Even if the day ahead holds fun things and people, not to mention my own husband and children, (and dog!), there is a creeping little sadness that lurks beyond, wanting to slide over it all.

It requires a great mental effort to shrug that off, to reject it, and to wake up to the day.

So a short while ago, I prayed that God would give me something to help me first thing in the morning.

And Bible verses have been coming to me, some of them ones I haven't read for ages and ages.

First one was: "He is my strength and my shield." This was just what I needed! Strength to get up and get going, and a shield to guard me from whatever the day might throw at me. It was perfect.

Another one was a Stuart Townend song from the concert we went to: Everlasting Love

Another one was: "In all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." More than conquerors. That was a promise and encouragement that helped me through that busy day.

There are probably loads more in there, in the armoury - these ones have helped me already.

Armed and dangerous

Part of my lecture this morning was on "spiritual warfare". I think it is easy to forget that we are involved in a fight, a fight for our own minds. I am cutting and pasting just a little bit of my lecture here:

Definition of spiritual warfare (from Voelkel, Jack, Spiritual Warfare in Mission, Downers Grove:IVP, 2012):

“Spiritual warfare in its simplest form is our partnership with God as he advances his kingdom… Satan and his forces often counter-attack, seeking to thwart us and our inroads with every scheme, wile or fiery dart they can muster.”

But NB, spiritual warfare is not a dualistic battle between equals, as Satan is a created being, not equal and opposite with God. Rather, we are empowered by God to co-labour with him as he advances the kingdom in a world deceived and enslaved by Satan.

Forms spiritual warfare might take on the mission field:

1.     Personal struggles: depression, discouragement, tiredness, loneliness, even disillusionment with mission, doubt re calling or faith, spiritual dryness, anxiety

2.     Interpersonal struggles: discord, irritation with fellow-missionaries, marital problems

3.     Work-related struggles: lack of fruit, obstacles in work

4.     Overtly demonic events/power struggles – demonic possession etc

How to be Prepared:

1.  Key is intimacy with God. NB !!!!! “Jesus did not do miracles, live a holy life and overcome the enemy because he was God. He did so because he depended on the Father and the power of his Spirit for everything he did and said (John 4:24; 5:19,20,30; 6:38; 6:57). So can we." 

2. Ephesians 6:10-20

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord, and in the strength of His might. 11 Put on the full armor of God, that you may be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore, take up the full armor of God, that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. 14 Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming missiles of the evil one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints, 19 and pray on my behalf, that utterance may be given to me in the opening of my mouth, to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in proclaiming it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.

Back to me writing this evening in my bed, pretty tired after my day.

Looking back on my time in Uganda, I feel as though I met with a lot of opposition as described above. I am just not sure if I ever consciously gave it this name, - did I? - spiritual warfare, and if I actually prayed my way through Ephesians 6, as I should have on a daily basis. As I told my students this morning, when you even start to think about going on missions, you provoke the enemy, let alone when you are actually there, doing the work, living the life. There are so many potential pitfalls on the mission field, and they have human and natural and climatic and geographic and social and political causes. Mostly, Satan does not cause the problems we deal with every day. Sometimes, he does. Either way, he tries to use them to wind us up, wear us out, discourage us, turn us off. 

I am just saying to myself and to everyone involved in God's mission in the world wherever that might be, but especially if you have taken the huge step of moving countries and moving out of your comfort zone to work for God's kingdom, that you are definitely involved in spiritual warfare, and that every weapon available will be turned against you, but, you have Jesus and the Spirit and the Word of God and prayer and worship and fellowship and all the armour listed in Ephesians 6 - so: be prepared, and use all your resources, and see it for what it is, an all-important, daily battle.