Writing lessons from Laurie Lee

Most English schoolchildren are made to read "Cider With Rosie" and "As I Walked Out One Midsummer Morning" by Laurie Lee at some point in their gradual progress through English Literature. I remember quite enjoying the first, with its line sketches and descriptions of a boy growing up in countryside similar to my own surroundings, running free in the fields and woods, and returning home to steaming stews with his mother and sisters in a chaotic but love-filled kitchen.

A few weeks ago I hauled the children and Frodo off on another "Gloucestershire Walk" - around the Slad Valley, where Laurie Lee grew up and the setting of his book. The valley was sumptuous, overgrown, green, and hot. We met a few characters along the way: an old gardener perusing his beans, who tried to help us find a shortcut when we had only just set out, and a lady who insisted on us joining her by her pond to feed her ducks. We hiked down narrow lanes, alongside hayfields being harvested, through thick green woodlands, past honey-coloured stone Cotswold cottages. At the end of the walk, the children completely refused to allow me to look inside the church or to stop at the Wool Pack Inn, which feature in the book, insisting instead we head straight to a shop for ice lollies and cokes.

Laurie Lee's writing is so evocative and extravagant, with brilliant metaphors, and adjectives calling on all the senses; you not only see, but hear and smell the garden, the run-down cottage, the fields, the schoolroom, the valley in summer and winter, and you know and recognise the spinster teacher, the so grown-up voluptuous sisters, the two grannies who live next door, and all the others. It is really a complete read, like a satisfying, delicious meal. 

A couple of quotes to whet your appetites!

"The great beech filled at least half the sky and shook shadows all over the house. Its roots clutched the slope like a giant hand, holding the hill in place. Its trunk writhed with power, threw off veils of green dust, rose towering into the air, branched into a thousand shaded alleys, became a city for owls and squirrels. I had thought such trees to be as old as the earth, I never dreamed that a man could make them. Yet it was Granny Trill’s dad who had planted this tree, had thrust in the seed with his finger. How old must he have been to leave such a mark? Think of Granny’s age, and add his on top, and you were back at the beginning of the world.” 

“Here I discovered water — a very different element from the green crawling scum that stank in the garden tub. You could pump it in pure blue gulps out of the ground, you could swing on the pump handle and it came out sparkling like liquid sky. And it broke and ran and shone on the tiled floor, or quivered in a jug, or weighted your clothes with cold. You could drink it, draw with it, froth it with soap, swim beetles across it, or fly it in bubbles in the air. You could put your head in it, and open your eyes, and see the sides of the bucket buckle, and hear your caught breath roar, and work your mouth like a fish, and smell the lime from the ground.” 
― Laurie Lee

The Missionary community, and, Marriage - a tender plant?

This week I am giving a talk to a group of about-to-set-off Crosslinks mission partners, on Singles and Marrieds on the mission field, and then How to Sustain your Marriage on the mission field. I guess, they can't simply magic up the couple with the perfect marriage to call upon  - they have to make do with what they've got! I mean, I am not the expert by any means. But, this is what I am going to share about, so I thought I would copy it here in case anyone is interested...


1. Is my introduction...

2. Ephesians 2:19-22 This passage was addressed to the Christians in Ephesus who came from different backgrounds, and in particular to Gentile and Jewish Christians – people who would never have mixed before. The passage is all about unity. Paul uses various images to show how we all belong together: first fellow-citizens, then members of a household. But the main one is in  vv 20 – 22, that we are living stones being built into a living temple or dwelling place for God.

·      What does that image imply to you about us as individuals, or married couples?

                      – we are each important

-       we need to work together

-       we are not working alone, but bolstered on every side

-       Christ is our cornerstone, he is with us in everything we do and in our relationships

-       We have an incredible and sacred purpose.

3. Be aware that your missionary community will probably be a very mixed bag of people, from different backgrounds and at different stages of life. In fact, in my experience, missionaries are often pretty strong characters, pretty quirky, stubborn, driven… (do you agree??)

·      So, it helps if you can remember that you are all like a team, working together for God’s purposes and kingdom. Intentionally see yourselves as a team. If you are not on a compound or in one workplace, there may be other missionaries working near you in your city or town or area – you can have the same attitude 

·      As people who are being built up together into one building, look out for each other and help each other. Bear one another’s burdens.

·      The passage in John 13: 34,35 reminds us of Jesus famous words, that we should love one another. Remember it is part of our witness.

4. So this is all a way of saying, that whether you are married couples, or singles, you are part of this – you have a role to play. And there are lots of ways singles and married couples can help each other out and build each other up. In fact, we all need each other and have a lot to offer each other.

5. It can happen that the singles tend to stick together and hang out together, and the married couples keep themselves to themselves or just spend time with other families who have similar age children. There is also the thing of :The Grass is Always Greener… - singles can often be envious of those who are on the mission field in families, especially if they are lonely. But equally, an over-worked, tired out, mother of three or four, can feel very jealous of a single missionary who is able to go off to the village for the weekend, travel up-country for a local friend’s wedding, or spend a day off relaxing by a pool, without being constrained by children and what they can do and tolerate. So try to avoid jealousy of each other’s state, and instead, see how you can be friends, allies, team-mates in the mission. You can really help each other out, and benefit a lot from friendships with each other.

6. For example, it can be really nice for a single person to spend time in a family. I remember it being so lovely to just join in with a family, when I was a single. That can be a real blessing.

7. Also pretty often a family will have invested in a vehicle whilst a single mightn’t feel a need to do that, maybe as they can use public transport more easily – so if a family can offer a ride to someone into town for shopping or an outing, that can be a great blessing.

7. Also singles can really help families out with babysitting so the parents can get an evening by themselves and so on.

8. And it can be really nice for a couple to be friends with younger people or single people and get a different perspective on the country, and the work, from them.

10. But, married’s, don’t take advantage of your single friends either and assume that they are there to be another pair of hands for you. Or that they are free to house sit or pet sit at your convenience. That can be really annoying! Singles have their own life.

MARRIEDS

Introduction 

I don’t know about you, but I think marriage is quite hard at the best of times. A marriage is like a plant, it needs nourishing and tending, or it can just wither and fail, or get overgrown, without anyone meaning it to.

Life on the mission field puts all kinds of new and extra pressures onto your marriage… list them – change,

loss of usual support systems,

new church (if any),

adjustments to heat, new food, different way of shopping,

roles changing, husband/wife might be home a lot more than before if your office is at home (or no office) – as happened in our case -, or might be away a lot more than before if travel is involved,

might be isolation and thrown onto each other more than before;

husband/wife might be involved in ministry while the partner is more at home – then one can feel envious of the other, meeting more people, getting stuck into the work, while the other is “trapped” with the children, no vehicle, etc etc.

If you know about your situation, I suggest that you try to foresee what if these things might cause tension or stress for you and discuss what you could do that might help.

I have set down a few strategies for nourishing the plant of your marriage, and for protecting your marriage – in various areas where stress can arise, based on my and Dan’s experiences and families around us, and hope to offer some helpful suggestions – or if nothing else, just to highlight them so that you can think ahead and pray ahead into them.

1. Before You Set out… 

ò Try to sort out any ongoing issues (so you don’t carry the “luggage” over there with you) – if nec, talk to a leader, pray with a third person present

ò Decide to be intentional about your marriage

ò Pray into any issues you know about in the situation you are going into.

2. Nourish your Marriage 

ò Pray together frequently, read Bible together

ò Take time out together … (Evening once a week? A weekend every so often? A holiday once a year. You need time to relax and talk to each other. Especially if you are in a place where your home is open to visitors – you can end up being with other people a lot of the time.  I had to really ask Dan if we could plan in times to go away for a break – put them in the diary ahead so I knew they were coming up.)

ò Give each other time off  (I went to climb a mountain with 3 other mums – such a great break! Dan went on conferences, and climbed Mt Elgon)

ò Build each other up, in public and in private (Might be that one of you gets discouraged, make sure you are an encouragement to each other; praising your spouse in front of others is so upbuilding for a marriage. Can be tempting to use a conversation to make digs at your husband – but, don’t do it – it is just undermining to your marriage and does not help, ever.)

ò Communicate all the time (don’t assume the other person knows what you are thinking or feeling, even if it is obvious to you that you are overwhelmed) 

3. Protect your Marriage

ò Boundaries (Talk about the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend – saying we need to have boundaries – eg what times should be kept sacred as family time, how many commitments you should take on, how long the in-laws can come to stay for. etc etc. A person who doesn’t have boundaries will eventually feel abused and taken advantage of. And on the mission field, there are so may people wanting your time money and efforts, and so many requests, and so many needs, it is easy to get overwhelmed. Problem is, people’s boundaries do vary, and if that is between a husband and wife, it can be difficult and cause a lot of problems … for us, I have much narrower boundaries than Dan – he would invite everyone over for dinner, take on more and more roles, meet with students at supper time or Saturday morning or whenever they came to the house – and it was too much for me. I found myself feeling resentful. So, it is important for a married couple to talk about their boundaries, what is OK for you both, and, you have to compromise. You can’t just tell your spouse they are wrong about where they feel the boundary is! If you are meeting each other part way on things, you won’t get that resentment which is very divisive.)

ò Money matters –  Of course, all couples work differently on budgeting and so on, but as a potential flash point for stress in your marriage, it would be really helpful if you could talk about your budget, ie what you get each month and what are the outgoings, and then decide together how much you can give away. Then you won’t feel it is out of control… We also had to make a “policy” between us of who we would give to, because we would get so many random students coming needing help with their fees or bus fares, people we didn’t even know, and there were eight thousand students by the time we left! So, we couldn’t help everyone who came to our door!! So we decided to only help people we knew, and friends we knew. Unless God really spoke to us in a random case. )

ò Forgiveness v anger  (Ephesians 4:26 – do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Again, it is partly about not assuming your partner knows you are angry! Anger is inevitable and not necessarily wrong – but, you must tell your partner and talk it through properly – ie both of you put your point of view and listen to each other. Bottling anger up is the worst thing you can do. Talk about it, then make a decision about what to do, together. If you can’t agree, leave it for then and try again the next day. The essential other side of the coin is forgiveness. You will have to forgive each other, often. Needs a lot of grace.

ò Purity  (It is sadly the case that missionaries do mess up their marriages, they, you, are not immune. That is probably the biggest thing to realize.  Especially when you might be in stressful, or isolated, situations. This is why it is so important to nourish and protect your marriage as we have been talking about – because, if it is already going badly, and then a kind, understanding, helpful, younger, fun, less worn-out young man or woman comes along, a person can be drawn to that, and even fall for that person. So, beware, work on your marriage to keep it alive and well, and avoid situations or even particular  friendships that seem to have potential for sin. Avoid flirting!!! It may seem harmless, but it can be very damaging. Having a person you are accountable to can really help. Both Dan and I had prayer partners we met with once a week if possible – so that person would know everything you were doing and going through, and could challenge you  - this really helps.

4. Books:  Boundaries 

                  The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason - the best marriage book I have ever read.

Re-set

I've had a little hiatus from writing this blog, and I have been thinking... why should I start writing it again? I saw a hilarious cartoon of two dogs sitting down talking to each other, one saying, "I took up blogging for a while... Now I have gone back to meaningless loud barking into the night..." But I know that I enjoy reading people's blogs, and, I enjoy writing, so, I might just keep on barking. The blogs I enjoy most are either people writing their inner experiences, what they went through, what helped; blogs that are more like newsletters, with pictures, telling stories, just to keep us caught up; and blogs about books, as I am always looking for recommendations of good books to read. So those are the things that I will write about.

One reason why I hadn't written anything for a while is that it has been a non-stop few weeks. Dan has been away in Uganda. He went at the worst time for me, but, it wasn't his fault. He left just as the children entered the ridiculously busy last weeks of summer term: Alex is in his school play and needed an Elvis outfit, he is in two cricket leagues both trying to fit in their games before the summer break, Abby had sports day at a stadium in Cheltenham, oh I had a job interview... On one day I had a WTC (my workplace) conference, Alex's induction morning at his new school, Alex's old school summer fayre, our church Women's Evening, and both children to social events. One parent really can't do it all. How do single parents manage??? I had just stopped taking my amazing answer-to-all-my-problems tabs about two weeks before this hecticness started - maybe bad timing, but, there is always something coming up and so I just went for it.

Began to feel wound-up about coping with all these events and in some cases stresses (job interview...) Began to feel tense inside. Got very angry with our second child when he displayed grumpiness about doing a chore, so much that after shouting I rushed upstairs into the bedroom with slammed doors and heavy breathing and some crying. Woke up in the mornings with my brain ranging around for the thing to worry about. Stopped writing my gratitude list, as it seemed pointless. At church last Sunday, I went for prayer at the end and told the two people who were to pray for me, that I was worried I was reverting and that I just so want my security to be in God, and in his care for me, not in jobs and finances or in my own ability to do the things that I have to do. The lady had been at the Women's Breakfast in May when I talked a bit about anxiety and the resources I had found for dealing with it. She said to me, "Are you still writing your gratitude list that you told us about?" I told her I had kind of stopped. She urged me to get back to doing it, and she said,"It is spiritual warfare when you do that. Every time you write down something that you are thankful to God for, it drives satan away. The actual writing of the thank you's is the important thing."

Then this last week, the lady who wrote the book called One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp, wrote in her blog (aholyexperience.com) about how she had just been in a time of doubt and fear - and another blog I read, called A New Name by Emma Scrivener (mostly about anorexia and related issues - no I don't have it but I find her thoughts on self-esteem, judging yourself, redemption, and much more always helpful) at the same time talked about how she had hit a time of despair and was fighting back from it - and these two amazing women going through these dips, made me feel so hopeful - that even such insightful, Godly, able women still had to push off bad times. So my dip doesn't mean I have failed, it means, it is a battle and I am in it. And I have resources to call on. So, use them. Keep going. Fight for the joy and peace that I desire.

So I am now on "Things I Am Thankful For" number 542. And the most recent one is: Dan gets back tomorrow!!!