Re-set

I've had a little hiatus from writing this blog, and I have been thinking... why should I start writing it again? I saw a hilarious cartoon of two dogs sitting down talking to each other, one saying, "I took up blogging for a while... Now I have gone back to meaningless loud barking into the night..." But I know that I enjoy reading people's blogs, and, I enjoy writing, so, I might just keep on barking. The blogs I enjoy most are either people writing their inner experiences, what they went through, what helped; blogs that are more like newsletters, with pictures, telling stories, just to keep us caught up; and blogs about books, as I am always looking for recommendations of good books to read. So those are the things that I will write about.

One reason why I hadn't written anything for a while is that it has been a non-stop few weeks. Dan has been away in Uganda. He went at the worst time for me, but, it wasn't his fault. He left just as the children entered the ridiculously busy last weeks of summer term: Alex is in his school play and needed an Elvis outfit, he is in two cricket leagues both trying to fit in their games before the summer break, Abby had sports day at a stadium in Cheltenham, oh I had a job interview... On one day I had a WTC (my workplace) conference, Alex's induction morning at his new school, Alex's old school summer fayre, our church Women's Evening, and both children to social events. One parent really can't do it all. How do single parents manage??? I had just stopped taking my amazing answer-to-all-my-problems tabs about two weeks before this hecticness started - maybe bad timing, but, there is always something coming up and so I just went for it.

Began to feel wound-up about coping with all these events and in some cases stresses (job interview...) Began to feel tense inside. Got very angry with our second child when he displayed grumpiness about doing a chore, so much that after shouting I rushed upstairs into the bedroom with slammed doors and heavy breathing and some crying. Woke up in the mornings with my brain ranging around for the thing to worry about. Stopped writing my gratitude list, as it seemed pointless. At church last Sunday, I went for prayer at the end and told the two people who were to pray for me, that I was worried I was reverting and that I just so want my security to be in God, and in his care for me, not in jobs and finances or in my own ability to do the things that I have to do. The lady had been at the Women's Breakfast in May when I talked a bit about anxiety and the resources I had found for dealing with it. She said to me, "Are you still writing your gratitude list that you told us about?" I told her I had kind of stopped. She urged me to get back to doing it, and she said,"It is spiritual warfare when you do that. Every time you write down something that you are thankful to God for, it drives satan away. The actual writing of the thank you's is the important thing."

Then this last week, the lady who wrote the book called One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp, wrote in her blog (aholyexperience.com) about how she had just been in a time of doubt and fear - and another blog I read, called A New Name by Emma Scrivener (mostly about anorexia and related issues - no I don't have it but I find her thoughts on self-esteem, judging yourself, redemption, and much more always helpful) at the same time talked about how she had hit a time of despair and was fighting back from it - and these two amazing women going through these dips, made me feel so hopeful - that even such insightful, Godly, able women still had to push off bad times. So my dip doesn't mean I have failed, it means, it is a battle and I am in it. And I have resources to call on. So, use them. Keep going. Fight for the joy and peace that I desire.

So I am now on "Things I Am Thankful For" number 542. And the most recent one is: Dan gets back tomorrow!!!