Today Felix Baumgartner jumped out of a capsule, 24 miles above the earth, right at the edge of space. He free fell and then parachuted down to earth, taking ten minutes. There were apparently many ways he could have died attempting this... (?!) He was breaking a fifty year old record by jumping from this height down to earth.
NOTHING could induce me to be remotely interested in doing anything anywhere close to this. Nothing could induce me to do a bunjee jump. I wouldn't even really want to jump off the high board at the swimming pool come to that.
However, if I think the thing is worth it, I will do it even if it scares me. Like, preaching to 800 Ugandan students and staff at community worship. I was scared stiff then. And like, moving to rural Zambia for two years, not really having a clue what it would be like. So maybe I shouldn't paint myself a coward. I just don't want to waste my fear on unnecessary pastimes, like, jumping off high places...! I have plenty of things to be afraid of without looking for novel ways to try out that feeling...
When we were still living in Uganda and thinking ahead to moving back to England, I felt sick with fear about some aspects of the move. I was really scared of leaving Crosslinks, my employer and support and safety net for fourteen years - mainly because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get a job and therefore an income. I was nervous about how financially we would get through the nine months before Dan's job at Redcliffe started. I was scared about what schools we would get the children into, and so scared of them ending up in oversubscribed sink schools with bad behaviour and poor results. I was also worried about what house we would find to live in. I was a bit scared that Dan would hate living in England and resent me for it. So, just a few small things like that.
But, I wanted to move back to England, and Dan and I both felt that the time was right. I read and reread a Bible passage from Ephesians Ch 3:14-21 especially the verse which says, "I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fulness of God." I kept telling myself that if I really knew how much God loves me, then, why would I be afraid about anything?
But I still grew more and more nervous as the move approached.
Before going to England we visited the US for some time. One day in July, we were in the Boundary Waters in northern Minnesota, canoeing and camping with Dan's parents. Right after that holiday, I was booked to fly to England, ahead of Dan and the children, to begin setting up home there. I was tight with nerves on the last couple of days. But on the day we were due to leave the Boundary Waters, I was sitting on a rock at the edge of our campsite, overlooking the lake, praying, and soaking in the beautiful scenery all around. Suddenly I noticed a bald eagle, sitting majestic on a high pine tree, surveying the outlook, from one side to the other. He looked out and down over the whole scene, and had probably been aware of me there the whole time. It struck me that the eagle was like God, watching out for us, overseeing us, all the time, while we are mainly unaware that he is even there.
That picture of the bald eagle, king of the wilderness, stayed with me and was a comfort for quite a while. But I lived on my nerves for months until it built up too much and my body rebelled.
So I am in the process of trying to tackle this problem, anxiety. Why would a Christian who has believed in God for forty five years and who has seen God provide for her and give her a fantastic life and a wonderful family, who is in good physical health, who has friends and hobbies, why would this person suffer from anxiety? I think in the case of our move back to England, there was a lot to be anxious about, but still...
For now, I am definitely coming out of the other end of the tunnel. Practically speaking, the last piece of the scary puzzle was put in place last week - when Alex took his grammar school entrance test and got a good high pass mark, so that he is guaranteed a grammar school place for next year. Such good news! So - for now - there is nothing left to be afraid about (apart from global warming).
But I feel I am beginning to move in the right direction in any case - I wasn't even all that nervous about Alex's test, which I took as an encouraging sign. I have had some really good conversations with various different helpful people, which I might write about another time. The list of One Thousand Gifts (I've got to 69...!) and the lessons about thankfulness are a big help. I do think and pray and hope that I am making progress.
No comments:
Post a Comment